Five Albums That Should Have Never Been Made.

In light of Abel Baker Fox – a band that is essentially Small Brown Bike sans a guitar player and plus the dude from the Casket Lottery – releasing their debut record on Second Nature Records here in a month or two, I have come up with a list of 5 records that have come out in the past 5 years that should have never been made. Because, lets be honest, with the upcoming Small Brown Bike reunions, no one wants an Abel Baker Fox record. We want another Dead Reckoning.

This is completely different from 5 Records That I Hated, because that would just be a terribly petty list. And it is not that I am above being petty (anyone who knows me well knows quite the contrary), but bad albums and meaningless albums are completely different. These are albums that were simply a waste of time in every regard. These are not to be confused with records that are very, very bad, yet, that we somehow needed. Green Day needed to American Idiot to remind us how much we could hate a band that was once pretty awesome.

Anyway.

Five Recent Albums That Should Have Never Been Made
(In Semi-Particular Order).
5. Against Me – New Wave
Tracks 1-3 and 6 would have made a killer EP or something, but the record as a whole, aside from the context in which it was released, is largely forgettable. Except for the aforementioned track 3. Because “Thrash Unreal” just rules, no matter which way you cut it.

4. Tie Between Angels and Airwaves We Don’t Need to Whisper and Plus 44’s When Your Heart Stops Beating.
Dude Ranch will always be one of my all-time favorite records, but as long as Mark and Tom keep creating these records, I start to bury this fact about myself further and further. I don't think this requires any further explanation.

3. If Reel Big Fish are still making records, then their entire catalog since Why Do They Rock So Hard?!?
This statement also applies to Less Than Jake and anything they have done after Hello Rockview, if there is actually anything. I honestly have no idea. I think the chances are better than not, though.

2. That New Atari’s Record.
Pop-punkers have a tendency to insist on re-inventing themselves as “mature” musicians (see Item Number 4). While trying to write their “mature” pop-rock records, most of these guys try to forget that they once wrote a song that contained the line “I’d go to the pound and let all the cats run free, as long as you’ll be with me” AND “I’d rob a Kwick-E-Mart For You.” These facts, however, cannot be forgotten. It will haunt these musicians for the rest of their lives.

1. Explosions in the Sky – All of a Sudden I Miss Everybody
The problem with Explosions in the Sky is that they are pretty much just a forgettable band. That isn’t to say that no one will remember the band or their contribution to Independent music, but moreso that no one will ever remember their songs. This is probably related to the fact that they have no words, and that their music does not suggest hyper-drug use, as displayed by other pseudo-indie instrumental bands (read: Don Caballero). Really, if you want to get the total Explosions in the Sky experience, just listen to track 1 off their Second LP The Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place. It pretty much embodies the totality of Explosions in the Sky in like, 5 minutes.

Honorable Mentions: The Entire Brand New catalog. But mostly just because I am petty.