40 Items When Not Able (Willing?) to Sleep.

1. I constantly study The Office on levels that I am positive the writers did not intend.
2. This is how I know that most literary criticism is in fact bullshit.
3. In reality, I sort of really hate my bed and bedroom.
4. Yawns mean nothing if heavy eyes don’t follow them.
5. Nyquil does not cause yawns, yet cause heavy eyes.
6. This is how I know that yawns are in fact bullshit.
7. (or that Nyquil induced sleep is not genuine sleep).
7. There is nothing nearly as lonely as checking your e-mail in the morning with nothing new worth reading, only to check it 12 hours later to identical results.
8. The only thing worse is sporadically checking your cellphone over the course of your waking day to see no new text messages or missed calls or voicemails.
9. I probably wouldn’t respond, anyway.
10. I turned the answering machine on my home phone back on so that the phone wouldn’t ring 15 or twenty times while I am ignoring it.
11. It becomes increasingly hard to ignore 15+ phone rings.
12. I could take or leave the ink on my left arm.
13. Usually I am asleep by now.
14. Today I drank a lot more caffeine than usual.
15. This is how I know that caffeine is in fact not bullshit.
16. Right now, I am of average weight for my body type.
17. This week I will do 300 crunches, 75 arm presses, 75 arm pulls, and do a minimum of 60 minutes of cardio everyday.
18. Weight is the only area in life where below average may be beneficial.
19. I don’t delete anything.
20. I delete everything.
21. Both 19 and 20 are completely true, and totally false at the same time, respectively.
22. I am still bored with everything I listen to.
23. I have no ambition to find any new music.
24. Because of 22 and 23, I listen to Neal Boortz on my drive to campus.
25. I honestly hate Neal Boortz.
26. Brett Favre is one touchdown pass away from breaking Dan Marino’s all time touchdown record.
27. Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and Bret Favre will, eventually, break every record Marino ever set, all with at least a one Superbowl Ring under each individual’s belt, eventually rendering Dan Marino’s career completely moot.
28. This is how I know that statistics are in fact bullshit.
29. I got my hair cut this week and no one noticed.
30. These are the kinds of haircuts I want from now on.
31. I bought two new shirts that everyone commented on.
32. I am obviously very reluctant to buy more new shirts.
33. In the absence of any evidence to prove otherwise, I constantly, and honestly, believe that the career of Dan Marino will be an allegory for my life when I finally check out of this planet.
34. I should spend less time thinking about music and sports and TV shows and more time writing.
35. If I close this laptop right now and instantly fall asleep, I will awake with a cowlick on the back right side of my head in six and a half hours.
36. It is 1:57 on a Monday morning and my mom will be waking up in an hour and thirty-three minutes.
37. I only intended to write 35 Items.
38. I only intended to “take things slowly.”
39. Both 37 and 38 are completely true but did not happen.
40. This is how I know that the phrase “best intentions” is in fact bullshit.